When Hearts Grow Cold: A Minister’s Plea for Family Honor
My heart has been heavy lately. In ministry, we see families torn apart over misunderstandings that, with a little grace and biblical wisdom, could be healed. Parents and adult children are cutting each other off—what the world calls “ghosting”—and precious relationships that God intended to be sources of strength are becoming sources of pain.
I want to speak into this with love, because I believe most of these fractures don’t come from evil hearts, but from wounded ones. And God’s Word has something powerful to say about how we honor each other in families, especially when life gets complicated.
The Pain I’m Seeing
Let me paint a picture you might recognize. A family has several adult children. One child is doing well—good job, stable marriage, making wise choices. Another child is struggling—maybe with addiction, financial troubles, relationship problems, or just poor decision-making. The parents, out of love and concern, pour their time, energy, and yes, often their money, into helping the struggling child.
Then something heartbreaking happens. The successful children begin to feel forgotten. They watch their parents’ attention flow toward their troubled sibling and their hearts whisper lies: “They love him more.” “If I want attention, I guess I need to mess up too.” “All my good choices mean nothing to them.”
And so walls go up. Phone calls stop. Holiday invitations are declined. Grandchildren lose relationships with grandparents. Hearts grow cold.
Friends, this breaks the heart of God, and it should break ours, too.
What Does It Mean to Honor?
Scripture gives us two beautiful pictures of honor that speak directly into this pain. Let me share them with you as a minister of God’s Word, with all the love in my heart.
First, we know the commandment well: “Honour thy father and thy mother” (Exodus 20:12, Deut. 5, Ephesians 6). This isn’t just a rule for children—it’s a lifelong calling. To honor means to revere, to respect, to treat with dignity. It means caring for their needs, speaking kindly about them, and recognizing that God placed them in our lives for His purposes.
But there’s another kind of honor in Scripture that many have never considered. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 12:23, “And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour.” He’s talking about how we naturally give extra care to the weaker, more vulnerable parts of our body.
Do you see it? When your parents focus more attention on your struggling sibling, they’re not choosing favorites—they’re living out this biblical principle. They’re giving “more abundant honor” to the family member who needs extra care.
The Jealousy That Destroys
The call of ministry often brings awareness of successful adult children whose hearts are eaten up with jealousy. They’ve worked hard, made good choices, stayed out of trouble, and now they watch their parents “reward” their siblings’ poor choices with attention and resources.
“Minister,” they say, “why does being a mess get you more love?”
Oh, dear ones, let me speak truth in love: it’s not more love. It’s the same love, expressed differently based on need.
When your child falls and scrapes their knee, do you give them extra attention because you love them more than your child who’s playing safely? Of course not. You respond to the need with the same love you have for all your children.
Your parents aren’t celebrating your sibling’s struggles. They’re responding to the crisis with compassion. Their hearts break over poor choices just as they rejoice in your good ones.
Growing in Grace and Understanding
The call to honor your parents doesn’t depend on them being perfect or treating everyone the same. It’s about recognizing their heart, their humanity, and their place in God’s design for your life.
I want to challenge you today: before you cut off another family member, before you let jealousy poison another relationship, take a moment to see through the eyes of grace.
Your parents’ joy in your success is real and deep. They may not need to actively help you because you’re thriving, but that doesn’t mean their love for you is less. Often, parents are quietly proud of their successful children while focusing their energy where the crisis is.
Think of it this way: in a family crisis, would you rather be the one everyone’s worried about, or the one everyone can count on to be okay? Your parents’ trust in your stability is a testament to how well they raised you.
A Minister’s Counsel for Healing
Before you walk away from family relationships, let me offer you some biblical counsel:
Speak truth in love. Instead of assuming the worst about your parents’ motives, have an honest conversation. They may not realize how their focus appears to you. Communication can heal what silence destroys.
Practice the grace you’ve been given. Remember how God loves you—not because you’re perfect, but despite your imperfections. Extend that same grace to your family members.
Support, don’t compete. Instead of seeing your struggling sibling as competition for your parents’ love, consider how you might support your family’s efforts to help them. You’re all on the same team.
Honor through understanding. You don’t have to agree with every parental decision to honor them. But you can seek to understand their heart and respond with respect rather than resentment.
The Urgency of Reconciliation
Friends, life is fragile and time is precious. Too many families experience the pain of standing at a graveside with words left unspoken and relationships left unhealed.
The enemy of our souls loves nothing more than to destroy families through pride, jealousy, and misunderstanding. Don’t give him that victory in your home.
Your parents aren’t perfect—no parents are. But most are doing their best to love all their children well. Sometimes that love looks like celebration and pride in your achievements. Sometimes it looks like intensive care for your struggling sibling.
Both are love. Both are necessary. Both honor God’s design for families.
A Final Word
As a minister of God’s Word, I’m pleading with you: don’t let pride rob you of family. Don’t let jealousy steal your peace. Don’t let misunderstanding cost you relationships that God intends to bless your life.
The same God who commands us to honor our parents also promises to honor those who honor Him. When we choose grace over grudges, understanding over offense, and love over pride, we reflect His heart to a watching world.
Our families aren’t perfect, but they’re the ones God gave us. Let’s honor them well, with the same grace we’ve been shown.
May God grant you wisdom, soften your heart, and heal your family relationships for His glory. Love God’s Word and Study for yourself.